Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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