well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
