I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
