I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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