I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
