I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just want to make out with him forever
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
