I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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