just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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