Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
