i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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