Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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