pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
