he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
