I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Nicole vs. Life
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
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