What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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