Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I need moral support for this bender
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
