My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
