Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
