You really coming over, don't trick.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
