Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
