After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
