I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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