i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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