i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
