i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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