Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
