this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
