That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
