Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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