I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He shit in the fireplace
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
