i permit you to call me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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