At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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