9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
