Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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