barbara walters just said penis...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
