the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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