he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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