Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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