I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize