fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
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i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
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He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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