You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize