Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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