I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
