Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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