you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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