i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
