just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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