Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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