I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
This gyro tastes like lonliness
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
