If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
