my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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