Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So much rum. So many feels.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
