Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
